Emo

First date in months and months. I'm kind of bummed now. It went pretty well. I had a good time. I think she had a good time too. I was happy, because I'd gone on a date; its nice to like someone; its nice to be liked; its nice to drink coffee with someone and talk; its nice to hold hands and walk and kiss goodnight. But I'm bummed because I like the girl. And she's moving to Holland in a week. She said I should come visit her, and propose. She said she'd pay me a billion won to brush her teeth. She said she wasn't mean, but she was evil. I like her. I can't be sorry I met Seungmin, but it's one of those things in life where you just have to take the bad with the good. Turns out, that's pretty much life in its entirety. This moment was just better and worse than most of the others.

Being Alive

So I have now been in Daegu for two weeks. It is very strange that this is true. It seems very short. I feel like I've been here forever and not at all. Some of the basics are starting to come more naturally. Example: I go grocery shopping and prepare food for my ingestion at regular intervals. I still don't know what the fuck is going on most of the time, however.

But really, that isn't a huge change.

I have met many cool foreigners. I want to make Korean friends who will take me to Korean restaurants and things. (I love the food but don't know how to order.) But anyway, I am a shy man at heart and always will be really. I hope I will make a few though.

The foreign teachers all fit together well more or less, and with good reason. We are mostly intelligent white people who couldn't find jobs in our western nations. We are university graduates, which presupposes a certain economic status as well as mental ability. We are, on some level, adventurous. (Personally, this is where I have the least in common with the others, haha.) So it is a cool bunch on the whole. A lot of girls, which I don't mind, haha.

I tend to dress over formally for class. I wear ties most days and there is a lot of tucked in button down shirt happening. I sort of do it to try and remind myself what I'm doing. When I get tired I revert more to a standard Sean who doesn't know what to do. But I think it is a good plan overall.

I don't get lost anymore. I even stumbled home drunk and unhappy without a problem. Somehow picked out a landmark through the tangle of the downtown streets and managed to get out safely. I went to a large club with two of my coworkers. I consistently forget that I even get upset at the Loop when it is busy haha.

I've only ever had a good time dancing when I go with my current girlfriend, or at least someone who is going to dance with me. I don't think I will ever be a picking up sort of boy, or even one who can find a random dance partner easily. It just isn't my way. I like talking and getting to know people, and not having to try and suddenly impress them on the spot in order to seem worthwhile. Anyway, as usually happens on these occasions, I begin to stare into space unhappily, looking much more drunk than I am, (although I am pretty drunk.) I then stumble home drunk quite unhappily.

The thing is I really like dancing. Just not clubbing. I love it. But god damn, I want enough space to practice my own personal style of dancing. And I want someone pretty to do it with. And I want them to see me and dig it, haha. So I'm pretty fussy.

And none of this really tells anyone anything about Korea. Except that there are many people here and they have large crowded dance clubs that I probably will never be into.

The trouble is there is so much westernization that things seem pretty familiar. You have to be pretty on top of things to figure out why everything is actually upside down haha. At least when you are writing a blog entry when you should be sleeping. I think I will go sleep now.

Finding Daegu

As my fictitional (I have used it inadvertently three times, so it's real now) journey comes to a close, a real one sort of starts moving. I fly out of Toronto in less than 8 hours now. Shortly enough I will set off to the airport to check baggage.

Strangely my anxiety is at a calm and stable 3 out of 10 or so. I don't know if I am maturing or insane or what. I was nervous about my interview with the Korean Consul yesterday, but that went well. Actually I think it's the only interview I've ever had that went well by my definition of well. That practice interview I had in therapy last March was a terror in comparison. Actually that practice interview was probably the worst interview I've ever had. But it wasn't real, so yay.

I have never flown before. Some people don't like it. I don't like how air travel has obliterated distance. But as a thing to do I am not worried about it. Worst case, I live out the plot of Castaway. So you know. I can do that. Sometimes I've felt a bit like that anyway. Just chillin' out alone, talkin' to my volley ball. Should I kill myself? Naaaw, too messy. I mean, I always did want to build a raft.

Actually, packing itself is more anxiety provoking than the idea of flying. But I even got through that. To some English teachers starting Korean teaching jobs it's probably just another in a string of self assured meanderings through the world. They did Europe, they did... another place, so now they will do Korea. For me it's been a bit of an all or nothing gesture of defiance to the world. Yes, I am introverted, anxiety ridden, socially awkward, shy, miserable most of the time, but damn you world, I am going to do a thing! I can't make a relationship work, but maybe I should stop fretting and take care of some other business first.

I don't know if this do or die gambling perspective is a bit of masculinity. Honestly, I've felt at times that if I didn't succeed and get a job and get a visa and get out of Southern Ontario I would kill myself. Probably before Christmas. So now it seems I won't have to. I don't know if I would have. It was a possibility though. So yeah. Coming of age, bitches. Making mountains out of fucking mole hills and then climbing them! That is what it's about. I hope.

Fourty-Eight

Fourty-Seven

Fourty-Six

Fourty-Five